Thursday, August 19, 2010

How Did That Straight Girl Get in My Bed?

Hey crew,

How are you doing this fine Thursday? Can you believe I'm meeting a deadline? This is exciting; I may get the hang of this yet!

It's time for another tale about my post-collegiate existence. This one guest stars my roommate's best friend from high school, Cambria. Cambria is surprisingly attractive (though she is straight) and she is also freakin' hilarious. However, whenever Cambria comes to visit, things have a way of breaking or going ridiculously awry. 

This week's story is my favorite of the Cambria Chronicles. I hope it makes you laugh out loud at your computers! (If it does, you should totally comment and let me know.)

How Did That Straight Girl Get in My Bed? 

On the night this story took place, my roommate, Gemma, invited two of her friends to crash at our place: Jack and Cambria. The four of us went out for dinner and drinks at a local bar. The conversation never dulled and when the restaurant closed, we decided to pick up a few bottles of wine and keep the night going. Between refreshingly honest conversation and a few fixed card games, we lost track of time and partied into the early morning hours. 

Eventually, we ran out of wine and realized that it would probably be in our best interest to go to sleep: Gemma and I had to go to work in a few hours, Jack had an EMT test at 7:30, and Cambria had a first round interview for a very lucrative job in town. Jack ended up on our sleeper sofa, Cambria was going to share Gemma's bed, and I had my room to myself. We all said our goodnights and promptly passed out.

Around 4am, I woke up to weird noises in my room. Unsure of what I'd find, I took a deep breath and poked my head out of my covers, only to see Cambria pacing back and forth beside my bed. Relieved and somewhat confused I said, "Hey Cambria, what's going on?"

She looked at the floor and shook her head, "Don't worry about it. I'm just going to go use the bathroom. I think it's over there." Cambria looked half asleep still, but she was pointing towards the hallway where the bathroom was located, so I figured she'd make it to the right place.

I lay down to go back to sleep while Cambria tried to leave my room, but she couldn't figure out how to get the bedroom door shut (in her defense, the lock is too high so you have to wiggle the door just right). Finally, I crawled out of bed to close it myself. The two of us ended up fighting over the door for a good minute or two. We eventually got it closed, but by then I was wide awake and I needed to pee too. I decided to sit outside of the bathroom and wait. 

And wait.

And wait.

Finally, Cambria came out of the bathroom and pushed past me. In my exhausted half-drunk state, I thought to myself, "Whatever, Abernathy; go pee and deal with her later."  

So I did my thing. But when I got back to my bedroom, Cambria was spread eagle on my bed. 

Now you should know that I have a giant stuffed teddy bear that I sleep with every fucking night. I've had it as long as I can remember and it's not going anywhere: my rule is I can't date a girl who has a problem with my bear being in the bed. And absolutely no one can sleep with my bear but me.

Cambria was laying on top of my bear! I reached over and yanked it out from under her and cried, "Cambria!?" 

The girl didn't even budge.

So I said, "CAMBRIA!" 

But she didn't move. 

I felt bad because I didn't want to wake Jack, but this hooker was in my bed. So eventually, I smacked her back with my teddy bear (maybe this wasn't quite necessary), and kind of shouted, "CAMBRIA!!!"

Quick as a whip, she looked at me and screamed, "I call the wall!" before rolling over to go back to sleep.

So I said, "Fuck it," and climbed into my bed and went to sleep beside her.

When I woke up for work a few hours later, I was in bed alone. Not bothering to question the early morning's odd events, I began to get ready for my day. As I finished cooking breakfast (okay, pouring cereal), I saw Cambria sitting on the couch. She looked really confused. 

I looked at her and she stared back quizzically, but neither of us said anything.  A few minutes into the standoff, Gemma came out of her room and sat next to Cambria. "Dude," she said, "where did you go in the middle of the night?"

Cambria looked at me and cocked her head before asking, "Did I sleep in your bed?"

I nodded and said, "Yeah girl, you called the wall."

Today's Point: Sometimes your guests will require more hospitality than you originally anticipated (i.e. half of your bed). Give what's reasonable, but know your limits: no one touches your teddy bear.

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