Sunday, February 20, 2011

7:52 PM

The Bucket List

Ahoy mateys!


We're not on a boat or anything, but it's my new thing to greet people with "Ahoy!" because nobody else does it. I like to think it keeps me lookin' awesome. That, or people just assume that I'm really weird. It's a risk I'm willing to take.


How are you all?


Done with winter and ready for tank tops and espadrilles? Are you counting down the days until the ice cream man reappears and you can run after the truck with all of the six-year-olds on the street? Do you want to put on suntan lotion and lie around in the itchy summer grass soaking in sunshine?


If you answered, Yes, Yes, and Yes thank you for confirming that I am not the only twenty-something professional in America who still chases the ice cream truck.


Anyways, today I want to talk to you all about boobs. Breasts. Tits. Ta-tas. Bazookas. Melons. The Girls. Cleavage. Chesticles.




Being a lez, I'm sure you think that I have tons of great experiences with breasts. But my experiences with any breasts other than my own have been disastrous. One story in specific stands out. It's not a sexy story or a gay story. It's a weird story with a surprise ending. Are you ready?


The Bucket List

During the last few weeks of my senior year in college, two of my nearest and dearest friends decided to create a bucket list. I don't know how or why they decided to do this, but over the course of a week, they compiled the most idiotic, entertaining, and scandalous bucket list I've ever seen. 

The list required that the two girls--my lesbi-besti, Arla, and my constantly politically incorrect friend, Kimya--push someone into a bush, play flip cup in the crowded dining hall and tabletop someone (push someone backwards super hard so that they fall and hit their ass...or head. It's legitimately not safe.) among other things.


Because I was considered the best friend of both Kimya and Arla, I figured that there was no effing way I would be targeted for any of their schemes. I even participated in a few of the items on their list, hoping they might see me as co-conspirator and leave me alone. I volunteered to bring a few Solo cups and cans of Natty Light to the dining hall one night to make the illegal flip cup tournament a reality. I watched them throw the same girl into a bush twice. I even let them demonstrate tabletopping techniques to me and pretended to care.


So you can imagine my surprise when two days later, Kimya turned her malicious attention on me. 
rafaaafrrrk
It happened like this: Arla and I were throwing yet another bangin' party on our hall. My handmade beer pong table was out and surrounded by tipsy ladies oogling the design--rainbows! a false bible quote: "God Loves Love" (from Genesis 2:6 obvs)! and a powder blue background! The table's co-designer, Dot, was standing beside me helping measure beer and set out cups for an epic game of pong. 


I was so distracted by the insane amount of people in the hall that I didn't notice that Arla and Kimya had disappeared from the party. Just as Dot and I finished setting up the table and breaking the crowd into teams, Kimya showed up. She opened her arms and walked towards me. "Hey! You can play on my team!" I told her. I put out my arms too, thinking she was attempting to hug me. At the very last second before we made contact, Kimya pulled her right breast out of her shirt and slapped me full on in the face with her boob.


You weren't expecting that were you?


Nor was I.


And let me tell you: IT HURT.
by Young Prism


Kimya has double Ds. Her breasts are gigantic. 


After she hit me, I just stood in the middle of the hallway in shock. Everybody was laughing but me. I was just taking it in. 


That's when I tasted blood. Kimya had hit me so hard with her gigantic breast that she'd busted my lip and I was bleeding into my mouth. It was fucking disgusting. I rushed into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall so everyone would leave me alone. It was a classic throw back to middle school.


Angela Chase basically taught me to hide the bathroom in the '90s



From the safety of the stall, I could hear Kimya yelling, "Number 14 on the list has been accomplished!" 


"You wanted to smack a girl in the face with your tit?" Someone asked in response.


"Well not necessarily a girl, but I always wondered if I could smack someone with my boobs and now I know I can."


I was starting to brood in my bathroom stall. I mean, seriously--who does that? Luckily, a knock on the door saved me from hearing anymore of Kimya's celebration in the hall. "Abernathy?"


"What?" I asked, recognizing the voice immediately. It was Julia, the same friend who keeps the photographs of me on Four Loko under locks. 


"Are you still bleeding?" I pulled a tissue away from my lips. It was speckled red.


"Affirmative." 


"Come out here. Let me look at you." Julia plans on being a nurse so she's all about making sure people are okay. Unfortunately, I hate being doted on.


"I'm fine," I told her, finally exiting the stall. 


Kimya walked into the bathroom, took one look at my swelling lip and begin laughing. 


I didn't talk to her again for weeks.


fin

For those of you who may be wondering, Kimya and I are cool now. We just don't talk about her breasts anymore. EVER.

So, the point of today's story was...

Tell me in the comments!